"Fox & Rat" Virtual Series - Season Eight

 

Review By: Cassie

55?! In her head?! Holy golly! That's hilarious! *ahem* Ok, on with the review.

"I'm sorry Alex, we’re going to need to graft some of your butt onto your face." - Scully

In this week's brand spankin' new episode of "Fox & Rat" Mulder and Krycek are up to some good. Well, good if you're a fan of the peace and friendship group, Super Buddies. It features the first sort of Super Buddies Adventure in a long, long time. A camping adventure. As you all know well by now camping with Fox and Alex will be much more than it first seems to be. There will be plenty of laughs and I highly recommend not drinking while reading, I don't want "Fox & Rat" to be held accountable for any shortage of your keyboard. So without saying too much I'll let you enjoy this great episode of "Fox & Rat". Great job, Em! *glomp*

8x16 "Superstar Super Buddies"

Title: "Superstar Super Buddies"
Written by: Emma Keturah
Date: 2005 - 04/02, 15/02, 17/04, 22/07, 2/09, 8/09, 10/09, 22/09, 23/09, 24/09, 25/09. 2006 - 19/02
Air Date: March 6, 2006
Rating: PG-13
Series: FRVS - Episode #164
Spoilers: Past episodes of FRVS may be spoiled.
Feedback: E-mail us at foxandratvs@gmail.com (please include the episode name in the subject) Thank you.
Archiving: "Fox & Rat" Virtual Series only!
Disclaimer: "The X-Files" and its characters belong to 20th Century FOX Broadcasting. If you recognize it, it's not our own creation. Original characters belong to Cassie and Kristi (FRVS).
Author's Note: The personalities of the characters within the world of "Fox & Rat" are not those you know from "The X-Files" television series. We have warped them and given them a common past, immature behavior and a sense of humor. Any horrid behavior should not be mimicked in your every day life.
Summary: Mulder organizes a Super Buddies reunion adventure.


FADE IN:

INT. DOGGETTíS HOUSE Ė NIGHT

MONDAY, JANUARY 2

Scully and Doggett are curled up together on the sofa. The television is still on; forgotten as they both lie deep in thought enjoying their closeness.

Buddy, not wanting to be left out, picks himself up off the floor and jumps softly onto the sofa. He settles himself down in Scullyís lap. Scully opens her eyes and smiles slightly. This is perfect.

The ringing of the phone resonates throughout the house, shattering through the feeling of bliss.

DOGGETT
(groaning)
Who, what?

Scully looks at the VCR clock and sighs. 11:21pm. This could only be Mulder. She lets her disappointment at being disturbed out with a sigh. For some reason he likes to call her at 11:21. Doggett has picked up the phone.

DOGGETT
(pissed off)
John Doggett.

He is silent as Mulder speaks. Scully sighs again, from the look on Johnís face it could only be to do with one thing. It was the look John reserved exclusively for Super Buddies.

DOGGETT
Sounds good Mulder. Much better than
some other Super Buddies adventures
Iíve been forced to attend. (beat)
Ok Iíll put Dana on.

He quickly passes the phone to Scully and motions to the kitchen. Scully nods.

SCULLY
Hi Mulder, whatís going on?

MULDER
(excited)
Hey Scully, sorry to interrupt your
evening but I just had THE best
Super Buddies Reunion Adventure idea!

SCULLY
Thatís ok Mulder. Next time can
it wait until morning though?

MULDER
Sure thing Buddy! Anyway, be at
Annieís Café at 8pm on Friday
and bring your sleeping bags! Weíre going camping!

Scully glances at Buddy and raises an eyebrow. This was his great idea? Camping?? There must be more to it.

SCULLY
(confused)
Mulder weíve already been camping remember?
It snowed the whole time, we were all miserable,
Brad and I almost died... How do you figure
this is the best idea?

Buddy nods his head in agreement with Scully.

MULDER
This will be different Scully. I promise.
Super Buddies honour. So Iíll see you then?

Scully imagines Mulder sitting on the sofa in his new Smurfs pajamas doing his ridiculous Super Buddies salute. This meant forming Star Trekís ďlive long and prosperĒ with your left hand and holding it to your head in a salute. Although he has matured considerably over the past few months, he still gets so excited over these adventures every now and then. Scully decided it was just easier to go along with it than try to pick up the pieces afterward. Besides, it was an opportunity to hang out around a campfire with her friends.

SCULLY
(mildly excited)
Absolutely Mulder. John and I canít wait.

MULDER
(excited)
Excellent, Iíll call the others now.
Oh, and Iíll put a list of things for
you to pack on Goofy Spooky.

Scully puts the phone down and looks up at Doggett who has returned with fresh mugs of hot chocolate.

SCULLY
(smiling)
Thanks John.

He hands her a mug.

DOGGETT
So I guess weíre going camping.

SCULLY
(thoughtful)
I guess so. There has to be
a catch... there always is.

CUT TO:

INT. ANNIEíS CAFÉ Ė NIGHT

FRIDAY, JANUARY 6
8:45PM

The former Super Buddies are dressed comfortably for camping and have each brought packs that are on the verge of bursting open. Marita and Scully are looking over the list of things Mulder told them to pack.

SCULLY
Why would Mulder want us
to bring our makeup Mon??

MARITA
(puzzled)
And why does John need his NYPD uniform?

SKINNER
Iíd like to know why I had to bring
ten packets of toothpicks!

As they discuss this, a tired waitress walks over to the group, who are sitting by the window. She carefully negotiates her way through the obstacle course of packs and camping equipment strewn over the floor and sighs. Itís been a long day and she just wants to go home. Sheís just waiting for her singing career to take off so she can get out of this place.

WAITRESS
(bored/tired)
Excuse me, would anyone like a refill?

The group all shake their heads

MONICA
(polite)
No thank you...

Monica reads the waitressís nametag.

MONICA
Vicky. We wonít be
here for much longer...

VICKY
Uh-huh. Sure. Just remember we close at 9.

Doggett takes a look at his watch.

DOGGETT
(pissed off)
Itís already 8:47. Where the hell are Mulder
and Krycek? Is this some kind of Mumbo and
Jumbo trick to see how long weíll wait?

MARITA
Alex said something about them
setting up camp before we arrive.
Iím sure they just got caught up
in traffic or something.

DOGGETT
(pissed off)
Well if theyíre not here
in five minutes Iím going...

Krycek bursts in the door, causing the tiny bell to fly across the room.

VICKY (O.S.)
Ouch!

Krycek comes charging over to the group completely unaware of the angry looks on his friendsí faces.

KRYCEK
Hey Super Buddies! Iím glad you could
all make it! (beat) Sorry Iím a bit
late, Mulder and I were...

Krycek stops suddenly and adopts what he hopes is a tough, macho expression. Kind of like Stallone in ďRockyĒ.

KRYCEK
(acting bored)
I mean, Mulder was busy setting up camp
and forcing me to help. The time just
escaped us. Iím only doing this because
he held my copy of ďRockyĒ hostage. Anyway,
I ran all the way here. Mulder stayed behind
to do some last minute things.

Doggett, Brad and Skinner exchanged glances. Where were they camping that Krycek could run to the café from? Krycek notices this exchange and smirks. He pulls a walkie-talkie out of his pocket.

KRYCEK
(into walkie-talkie)
Come in Skywalker, this is Solo.
I think Skinman, Brad and Doggett
are onto us! Bravo Yankee Echo. Over.

Almost everyone groans. They knew it.

DOGGETT
I almost donít want to know what
they have planned.

SCULLY
Come on John, Mulder promised me
this would be better than the
other adventures.

DOGGETT
Dana, you know we...

KRYCEK
(interrupting)
Roll call! When I call your name please
raise your hand. Monica? Brad? Marita, my love?
Walter? Dana? John? Right, good. One last thing
before we get moving. Please make sure these
are visible at all times!

Krycek begins passing out nametags much to the dismay of the group.

SKINNER
(curious)
What do we need nametags for?
We all know each other.

KRYCEK
This is a reunion and at reunions you wear
nametags. Itís like an unwritten rule
or something. Ok guys pick up your stuff
and follow me, weíve got a fifteen
minute walk to the campsite.

The group files out after Krycek, all very puzzled. A fifteen minute walk in any direction will still place them within D.C.

Vicky smiles and flips the sign on the door to CLOSED.

CUT TO:

EXT. CAMPSITE

9:17 PM

Krycek leads the still puzzled Super Buddies around a darkened street corner and motions for them to stop.

KRYCEK
Behold...

Krycek waves his arms in a manner not unlike a magician would when revealing he has made someone disappear.

They all stare in amazement at what Mulder and Krycek have done. What they see renders them speechless.

MONICA
(awed)
Mulder! Oh my stars! This is amazing!

Mulder has transformed the sidewalk into a camping ground. There are tents pitched in the parking spaces and on the pavement. They form a semi circle around a campfire, which is crackling merrily. There are two lanterns shedding a cosy light over the scene. There are comfy sofas positioned around the fire and we can only wonder how they got there. Strung over the campsite are tiny coloured fairy lights.

Mulder is sitting calmly on a bright purple sofa. He looks up and smiles at them.

MULDER
(happy)
Hey ho Super Buddies!

He notices their shock.

MULDER
Alex my man, bring them over
here will you.

Krycek pushes them over into the camp.

MARITA
Well Mulder youíve certainly outdone
yourself this time! Sofas...
this is my kind of camping!

KRYCEK
(childish)
What about me? I helped too.

Marita answers him with a soft kiss.

MARITA
(smiling)
Yes you did.

Krycek grins and helps Marita put her bags in her tent.

Meanwhile Brad is staring at the campfire, still in slight shock.

BRAD
Mulder, isnít it illegal to light a
campfire on the sidewalk?

MULDER
Why? Homeless people do it all
the time. Besides, whoís going to
do something about it?

BRAD
The police?

MULDER
(duh)
Brad... we are the police.

At a look from Scully, Brad decides to leave it alone. He dumps his stuff outside a tent and makes himself at home on a sofa.

SCULLY
I love the fairy lights. How long did
this take to set up?

MULDER
Oh Iíve been here for two days.
I didnít want anyone to take our
spot before I could set up camp so
I got in early.

SKINNER
Iíll say. You could have set up
on another street. They are
pretty much all the same.

MULDER
(grinning)
No Skinman, it had to be this
street. Right Alex?

KRYCEK
(grinning)
Right buddy. This
spot is special.

SKINNER
Donít call me Skinman.

The rest of the Super Buddies are too busy getting settled in to notice Mulder and Krycekís almost evil grins. We are left wondering what surprises they have in store.

TIME CUT TO:

EXT. CAMPSITE

10:14 PM

Everyone sits around the campfire. Mulder and Krycek have supplied Ďsoft drinkí so theyíre all slightly tipsy.

Krycek has a plastic cup over his mouth and chin. He is showing Skinner how he can keep it there using suction. Skinner is very impressed.

Mulder decides this would be a good time to get everyone to join him in a group sing-a-long.

MULDER
Hey everyone, follow my lead!
I made copies for everyone.

Brad and Doggett try to ignore the small lumps of dread forming in their stomachs as Mulder passes around some song lyrics.

MULDER
One, two, three...

EVERYONE
(singing)
Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh
Nellie the elephant packed her trunk
and said goodbye to the circus,
off she went with a trumpety trump.
Trump, trump, trump!

Mulder gets up and pulls a packet of sparklers from his bag.

EVERYONE
(singing)
Nellie the elephant packed her trunk
and trumbled off to the jungle
Off she rode with a trumpety trump.
Trump, trump, trump!

He hands one to each of his friends. Everyone is excited about this, having had at least three drinks each.

EVERYONE
(singing)
The head of the herd was calling from far, far away,
they meet one night in silver light,
on the road to Mandaley.

Excitedly, still singing, they light their sparklers with flames from the campfire.

EVERYONE
(singing)
Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh
Nellie the elephant packed her trunk
and said goodbye to the circus,
off she went with a trumpety trump.
Trump, trump, trump!

As they are running around the camp, waving their sparklers through the air, a passing car pulls into a parking space across the street. We see the window roll down. No one notices, they are so caught up in their singing.

EVERYONE
(singing)
Nellie the elephant packed her trunk
and trumbled off to the jungle
Off she rode with a trumpety trump.
TrumpÖ trumpÖ truuuuuuuuuuuuuuump!

Happy and smiling, they all stop and take a bow. There is enthusiastic clapping coming from inside the car.

MAN IN CAR
(laughing)
Bravo!! Encore!

Mulder recognizes the voice and runs over to the car in excitement.

MAN IN CAR
Hey Mulder, should have known it would
be you. Holly and I were on our way home from
dinner and heard on the radio that some crazy
nuts had set up camp outside the town hall!

MULDER
(characteristically exuberant)
Got time to join us Doof?
Weíve got lots of soft drink!!!

Doof? Everyone is confused. Who is this Doof? Scully walks closer to get a better look and we see that it is Pendrell! Pendrell turns and talks to someone in the passenger seat. He nods his head and turns back to Mulder.

PENDRELL
Absolutely! Iíve got my guitar in
the trunk, want me to bring it over?

Mulder nods an affirmative and Pendrell pops the trunk. Mulder gets the guitar and returns to his purple sofa. Pendrell gets out of the car and walks around to the passenger door. By now all eyes are on him. A pretty dark haired woman steps out of the car and takes Pendrellís offered arm. They make their way across the street to the camp.

MARITA
(whispering to Krycek)
Alex why donít you do that for me?

Krycek is oblivious to what is going on. Heís too busy humming the tune to ĎNellie the Elephantí.

MULDER
Ok Super Buddies listen up!
This here is my buddy Danny ĎDoofí
Pendrell, and my other buddy Holly...

Mulder trails off as he realizes heís just said Buddy Holly and laughs at his own cleverness. He is the only one. He begins to introduce the group.

MULDER
This is John Doggett, Brad Follmer, Monica Reyes,
Marita Covarrubias, (beat) and Alex Krycek was here a
moment ago. I wonder where he got to?

Mulder looks around and sees a sparkler bobbing around further down the street.

MULDER
Anyway Skinner and Scully youíll know.
Everyone is wearing nametags so it
should make it easier for yaíll.

Holly sees Skinner and blushes. She hasnít forgotten the day she beat him up while under the influence of Robert Patrick Modell. From the look on his face, neither has Skinner.

SKINNER
(muttering to himself)
Great, sheís wearing heels.

Scully gets up and gives Pendrell and Holly a hug each. She gives Pendrell another enthusiastic hug, making him blush.

PENDRELL
(embarrassed)
Nice to see you again too Agent Scully!

Doggett rubs the back of his neck. Sensing his confusion at the very warm greeting, Scully turns to face the group.

SCULLY
(smiling)
This man is a hero. Did I ever tell
you that he once took a bullet for
me? He almost died. I owe him my life!

Doggett relaxes and shakes Pendrellís hand.

DOGGETT
Any man who would take a bullet
for my Dana is a friend of mine.

Suddenly Mulder has an idea.

MULDER
(cheeky)
Hey guys, you up for a prank on Krycek?

Everyone nods their heads enthusiastically. Brad is especially interested.

BRAD
If it means I can finally get back
at him for that glitter bomb, and
not to mention Monica and Dana,
then definitely! Count me in!

MULDER
Iím going to introduce Danny and
Holly to Krycek as Tobias and
Florence. Weíll see how long it is
before he notices.

TIME CUT TO:

EXT. CAMPSITE

11:34 PM

A fun time is being had by all. Everyone has forgotten their doubts about this reunion adventure. The mini fridge which was full of Ďsoft drinkí is now almost empty.

For the past hour Pendrell and Holly have been ĎTobyí and ĎFloí. Krycek is confused as to why everyone is laughing at their names.

KRYCEK
(slurred)
Ya know, Toby and Flo arenít
funny names... funneeeeee. That
word sounds funneeeeee. Ok,
maybe Flo is a bit funneeeeee.

Pendrell is playing the guitar and everyone is singing their little hearts out.

EVERYONE
(singing)
Sweet home Alabama
Where the skies are so blue
Sweet Home Alabama
Lord, Iím coming home to you

Krycek gets up and starts playing air guitar. He is soon joined by Mulder, Skinner, Doggett and Brad. Krycek pretends to be a rock n roll star and smashes his imaginary guitar on the ground. The girls cheer wildly.

Krycek leans over to whisper in Mulderís ear.

KRYCEK
(whispering)
Now might be a good time to
tell them about what we have
planned for tomorrow. You know,
while theyíre intoxicated.

MULDER
(shaking head)
No, I want it to be a surprise
for them in the morning.

KRYCEK
(smirking)
Oh it will be a surprise all right!

Suddenly Mulder stands on his sofa and waves his arms about theatrically, almost knocking Krycek onto the pavement.

MULDER
(theatrical)
Ladies and gentlemen, it is now
time for you to experience the
hilarity of... MR. SPICKLEHEAD!

He pauses for effect. Obviously no one else has any idea what he is talking about, nine faces stare at him blankly.

MULDER
Skinman, youíll need to
get those toothpicks.

KRYCEK
Mulder, what...?

MULDER
It is only THE best game ever to be invented!
You see, everyone has a packet of toothpicks.
You hold all the toothpicks in your hand on
a flat surface with the pointy ends facing up.
Then you slowly lower your forehead so it is
resting on the toothpicks. Once youíre aimed,
smash your head onto them and the person to get
the most stuck to their forehead wins and is
crowned Mr. Spicklehead!! How fun is this game!
Em from Goofy Spooky has done 55!

SCULLY
(disbelieving)
Youíre kidding me!

DOGGETT
(sarcastic)
Super.

MULDER
Who wants to go first?

To everyoneís surprise Brad volunteers. As he gets up to take his packet of toothpicks, he whispers in Doggettís ear.

BRAD
(whispering)
Heís going to make me do it anyway
so I might as well get it over with.

A hush falls over the group as Brad slowly sets himself up.

EVERYONE
Three... two... one!

Brad gently presses his head against his toothpicks. When he pulls his head away, there are no toothpicks stuck to his forehead.

KRYCEK
Booooo! Next!

Skinner seems to have decided that this might actually be fun so he grabs a fresh pack of toothpicks and sets himself up.

MULDER
Come on Skinman, how hard can
it be to beat zero?!

EVERYONE
Three... two... one!

Skinner pulls his head away, revealing 12 toothpicks embedded in his forehead. Gingerly he pulls them out and holds them triumphantly in the air. Holly and Marita jump to their feet for a standing ovation.

Seeing this kind of hero worship being bestowed upon Skinner by Marita, Krycek decides to be the best Mr. Spicklehead there ever was. He struts over to Skinner and takes his toothpicks.

KRYCEK
(cocky)
Iíll beat you Mr. Echidna!

SKINNER
(curious)
Whatís an echidna?

KRYCEK
An Australian animal, like a porcupine.

MONICA
Yes, theyíre much cuter.

Krycek is sick of talking about echidnas when he could be proving to Marita that heís a hero.

KRYCEK
Three... two... one!

The group holds their breath as Krycek lifts his head off the toothpicks. SMASH!!!

KRYCEK
(sobbing / in pain)
Ouch! Holy cheeses... Marita!

Marita gently pulls his hands away from his face and gasps. There is blood gushing out of several places where the toothpicks have firmly embedded themselves.

MARITA
(worried)
Dana, did you bring your medical supplies?

Wordlessly Scully moves to her tent while Marita gently removes the toothpicks from Krycekís forehead. Monica passes her a tea towel to help stop the bleeding. Scully examines Krycekís forehead with the confident manner of a doctor. This makes Krycek feel a little better.

SCULLY
(deadpan)
Iím sorry Alex, weíre going to need to
graft some of your butt onto your face.

Brad and Doggett choke back their laughter. Skinner and Monica manage to keep perfectly deadpan faces. Mulder looks on with concern. Pendrell and Hollyís facial expressions suggest they havenít had this much amusement in a very long time.

Krycek starts sobbing louder, clinging to Marita who is trying very hard not to laugh.

KRYCEK
(despairing)
Not my face, my beautiful face!

SCULLY
I was only joking. All you need is a
bandage. Youíre very lucky you didnít
blind yourself.

Scully busies herself bandaging Krycekís head. Doggett gazes at her tenderly.

Skinner counts the amount of toothpicks Krycek successfully pulled from his set.

SKINNER
67, 68, 69, 70, 71.

KRYCEK
Pity Iím in too much pain to
appreciate that right now.

Marita starts whispering consoling things into his ear. Scully can hear murmurs of ďda manĒ.

Scully has bandaged Krycekís head in such a way that it looks like heís wearing a turban. Krycek is very pleased and immediately starts meditating.

KRYCEK
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Breathe in, breathe out,
breathe in, breathe out...
(beat) Do you think I could
walk across hot coals?

EVERYONE
NO!

MARITA
Sasha, I think youíve had enough
accidents for one day.

Doggett pulls Scully onto the sofa next to him. He takes her hands in his and kisses her forehead.

DOGGETT
(lovingly)
Dana, youíre perfect. I love you.

Scully smiles up at him. A warm fuzzy feeling spreads over her body and she snuggles closer to Doggett.

SCULLY
(whispering)
And I love you.

KRYCEK
(joking)
Just get married already.

Holly leans over and whispers something in Pendrellís ear. He squeezes her hand and helps her to her feet.

HOLLY
As much as weíd love to stay and
party with you guys, itís after midnight
and we should get going. Thanks for an
entertaining evening. No doubt Iíll see
some of you around the Hoover building.

PENDRELL
Yeah, itís been a real blast.

A chorus of goodbyes sounds throughout the camp as Pendrell and Holly walk back to their car.

KRYCEK
Hey Toby, Flo! Nice to meet ya!
Catch ya round sometime!

Pendrell and Holly drive off, still laughing.

MULDER
(loudly)
OK Buddy buddy pals, time for bed.
I have a big day planned for us tomorrow!
(beat) Skinman, you get to bunk with me!

Everyone looks tired but happy as they make their way to their tents full of unanswered questions about the day ahead.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

EXT. CAMPSITE Ė MORNING

SATURDAY, JANUARY 7
6:07AM

The sun begins to bathe the campsite in its light, showing two figures standing around the remains of the fire. The eldest of the men carries a large camera on his shoulder. He points it at the other figure, a well-dressed man holding a microphone.

WELL-DRESSED MAN
Ready Greg? And action.

The cameraman begins recording, panning around the campsite until the well-dressed man is in frame.

WELL-DRESSED MAN
Hello and welcome to American Idol
2006! Iím your host Ryan Seacrest.
This year we are anticipating some
of the best undiscovered talent yet
to face the judges and compete to
be your next American Idol! Already
there are hundreds of hopefuls lining
the streets here in D.C. ready to
audition. Is one of them the next
Kelly or Ruben? Itís up to YOU America!

Ryan Seacrest gestures to Mulderís campsite.

RYAN SEACREST
In Idol tradition, these dedicated
singers have set up camp right on
the steps of the Town Hall, hoping
for a chance at greatness...

CUT TO:

INT. BRAD AND DOGGETTíS TENT

Brad is woken by the sound of a voice outside his tent. He glances at Doggett and sees that he is still sleeping.

Turning his attention to the night before he wonders exactly what was in the drinks Krycek provided. The rhythmic pounding in his head betrays that there had been a little something extra. For that matter, how did they get it into unopened cans!

Deciding he needs water, lots of water, Brad pulls on his clothes and, making sure not to disturb Doggett, he backs slowly out of the tent.

CUT TO:

EXT. CAMPSITE

Mulder is already awake and dressed. He is earnestly performing the Super Buddies theme for the camera. Ryan Seacrest is looking genuinely entertained and even taps his feet in time. Greg the cameraman appears bored.

MULDER
(singing)
Stand up and cheer!
Stand up and cheer for Super Buddies!
For today we raise
The red and green for the world!
Yu-Rah-Rah!
Our Buddies are friendly
And we are bound to create world peace!
Weíve got the will!
Yu-Rah!
Weíve got the way!
Yu-Rah!
For this is Super Buddies winning day!

Ryan Seacrest is about to ask Mulder where the idea of Super Buddies came from and why the group had been disbanded when he heard the sound of a tent unzipping. Motioning to Greg, he moves closer to the sound. Brad steps out of his tent and finds himself face-to-face with the camera.

RYAN SEACREST
(to Brad)
Good morning! You must be excited about
your audition today. Can you tell me
how long youíve wanted to be a singer for?

Maybe itís the lack of sleep and maybe itís the pounding in his head but Seacrestís words donít register with Brad at first. In this moment it is only the camera that concerns him. How would it look, an FBI Assistant Director emerging from a tent in the middle of D.C. with his shirt on inside-out? This was surely the end of his career. Then the words hit home.

BRAD
(questioningly)
Excuse me, but what do you mean?
Iíve never wanted to sing.

At this Mulder positions himself behind a pink and yellow spotted sofa, where he thinks it will be safer.

RYAN SEACREST
(puzzled)
Youíre in line to audition for
American Idol, right?

Brad shoots Mulder a look of dismay. It wasnít possible.

MULDER
(timidly)
I thought it would be something
fun for us to do. Something
that was memorable.

BRAD
(angry)
Oh itíll be memorable all right!
What do you think the Director will
say? Not to mention the rest of the Bureau!

Rather than looking bored now, Greg is looking thoroughly interested by the events which are unfolding. His smile brightens as Skinner emerges from his tent wearing only a pair of Sailor Moon boxer shorts, only to dart back in after spotting the camera.

GREG
(softly to himself)
Iím going to win an award for this.

Brad quickly puts a lid on his emotions as the rest of the group steps into the sunshine. Krycek is still wearing his turban-like bandages and appears to have grown a goatee overnight. Marita giggles when she catches sight of this.

MARITA
(laughing)
Oh Alex, how did you get that bruise
on your chin? Itís a perfect circle!
It might just be one of the funniest
things Iíve ever seen!

The laughter at Krycekís appearance seems to temporarily break through Bradís anger at Mulder. Skinner reappears fully-dressed in time to hear what Marita has just said.

SKINNER
(laughing)
Iíll bet you sucked a bit too hard
last night when you were trying to
keep the cup on your chin!

Krycek darts to the closest window with a mortified look on his face. He sees his reflection and lets out a girly scream.

KRYCEK
(horrified)
My face! My beautiful face! This
might be worse than the time the
Janitor shaved my eyebrow! Oh how
can I face the world like this?

The girls choke back their laughter. Skinner, Brad and Doggett see no reason to and laugh heartily.

Ryan clears his throat to get their attention. They all turn hesitantly towards him.

RYAN SEACREST
I can see that this has been a
surprise to most of you so Iím
going to visit some of the
other hopefuls around the corner
while you get ready.

MONICA
Thank you Ryan. Weíll see
you later today.

As Ryan and Greg leave the campsite all eyes turn to Mulder. As Mulder looks at his friends, he seems to hear the theme music to ĎJawsí in his head. His heart is pounding and his whole body is tensed, ready for action.

Brad takes a step towards Mulder.

BRAD
(trying hard to be calm)
Mulder, what have you gotten us into?

Monica lays a steadying hand on Bradís forearm.

MONICA
(calm)
Mulder just wanted everyone to have
a memorable and fun weekend. Brad,
you always like to watch Idol when you
have time on a Sunday night. Now you
can be a part of it.

Krycek smirks at the thought of Brad watching something as un-intellectual as ĎAmerican Idolí. Mulder takes advantage of Monicaís calming influence and speaks.

MULDER
(wary)
Thatís right! It will be fun! Besides,
you canít back out now. You all
signed contracts saying you have to pay me
one million dollars if you back out.

Everyone is in too much shock to immediately register what heís said. Krycek, who has been holding in his amusement with great difficulty, suddenly lets out a loud snorting laugh. This noise sounds loudly around the campsite. Doggett, who has remained silent until now, decides it is time for him to speak up.

DOGGETT
(confused)
I never signed any such contract. What
are you talking about Mulder?

KRYCEK
You did buddy. I snuck into your office
and put it into a pile of papers for you
to sign. You really should read things
before you sign them. You all should!

MARITA
(upset)
You mean you have one for each of us?!

KRYCEK
Hey babe, I did it for Super Buddies.

SCULLY
Alex, you donít work at the FBI.
How did you get in?

KRYCEK
I broke away from my visitorís tour.

Krycek lies to them all with a straight face. Even Mulder doesnít know how he really got in. He has always kept his extensive knowledge of the Bureauís ductwork a secret. He has the original plans hidden inside a false panel of his wardrobe. If anyone found out he knew so much they would block up the entryways and he may have need of those plans in the future.

Understanding dawns in Skinnerís eyes.

SKINNER
(slowly)
The travel requisitionÖ The one that said Rex Lackkey!
Rex Lackkey is an anagram of Alex Krycek.
You put the travel requisition form over the
contract didnít you. I really signed the
contract underneath it. Sneaky!

BRAD
Just wait until Kersh hears about
this! (beat) Skinner, donít you
check on agents whose names you donít recognize?

Brad and Doggett take a few more steps towards Mulder and Krycek, their fists lifted threateningly.

MULDER
(frantically)
Before you guys pummel me, just think,
youíre going to meet Paula Abdul!

John lowers his fists, as does Brad. How could Mulder know they are big fans of Paula Abdul? No one knows except Knowle and... Monica.

DOGGETT
Moní, (beat) why are you spreading
our secrets around?

MONICA
I knew that you wouldnít resist Mulder
if you knew you were going to
finally meet Paula Abdul.

BRAD
Wait! You mean you knew all along
that this wasnít a normal camping
trip and you didnít tell us?!

MONICA
I canít help it that Iím psychic.
(beat) Drop the macho act guys.

Monica looks pointedly at Brad and Doggett.

MONICA
You would love to audition.

BRAD
(wryly)
Ah, well at least now itís clear why
we had to camp in this particular spot...

Skinner starts laughing. This sets Marita and Scully off as well. Mulder slips away quietly to his tent.

SCULLY
John, it will be fun! (beat) Maybe
We could do a duet. How about ĎMy
Heart Will Go Oní?

Everyone falls silent as they realize they have to choose an audition song. Doggett looks a little more enthusiastic at the mention of his favourite movie.

Mulder emerges from his tent with a stack of manila envelopes and two plastic garbage bags.

MULDER
Sorry to rain on your parade but
Iíve already chosen songs for you to sing.

He hands each person an envelope. Each one contains a CD, a discman with headphones, and a slip of paper with song lyrics. He watches as they open their envelopes. Groans fill the air.

BRAD
Surely you canít be serious!
Iím not going to sing that! Honestly.
Why did you choose ĎMen in Tightsí?

MULDER
Oh, you kind of look like Robin Hood.

KRYCEK
(smirking)
Itís funny coz itís true.

BRAD
Geez. Mon what did you get?

DOGGETT
(grumbling)
Whatever it is, it canít
be worse than mine.

SCULLY
What did you get John?

DOGGETT
ĎYMCAí by the Village People.

Hearing this, everyone bursts into laughter. Doggett fixes them with a glare, which only makes them laugh harder.

DOGGETT
There is NO way Iíll sing that!

MULDER
(serious)
With actions.

There is more laughter.

DOGGETT
NO!

MULDER
In your NYPD uniform.

DOGGETT
No! It would be a disgrace
to the force.

Mulder waves the contract at Doggett.

KRYCEK
(smirking)
You got a million dollars buddy?

Doggett shakes his head, resigned to his fate.

MARITA
(curious)
Whatís in the bags?

Mulder throws a bag to Brad. He throws the other to Skinner.

MULDER
Costumes.

Brad warily opens his bag and pulls out a pair of green tights.

BRAD
(barely audible)
Oh no.

Doggett looks at Brad sympathetically.

MULDER
I suggest everyone gets prettied up.
Youíll also need to practice your songs.
Weíll be auditioning soon!

TIME CUT TO:

EXT. CAMPSITE

8:00AM

Monica, Scully and Marita are sitting on the sofas putting the last touches to their makeup. They are all dressed as if going on hot dates. Monica is wearing a simple black dress. Scullyís dress is a deep blue while Marita is wearing a classy red dress.

MONICA
(whispering)
Brad is coming, and heís not happy.

Scully and Marita look at her and smile, knowing exactly why he would be unhappy. As they turn to look at Brad and Doggettís tent the door starts to slowly unzip. Hesitantly Brad steps out into the campsite. He is dressed in his Robin Hood costume.

Their mouthís dropped open. Mulder was right, he did look uncannily like Robin Hood!

BRAD
(warningly)
Donít laugh.

MONICA
I wouldnít dream of it.
You look good.

SCULLY AND MARITA
(laughing)
Yeah, you look hot.

Doggett wanders up the street with a Starbuckís coffee in his hand. He is dressed in his old NYPD uniform. Scully sees him and her heart does a little dance at how sexy he looks.

DOGGETT
You look better than Skinner.
I saw him before.

MARITA
(curious)
Why? Whatís he wearing?

The question is answered as Skinner emerges from the convenience store across the street with a packet of chips. He is wearing tight black leather pants, a pink t-shirt, a denim vest and a pair of Elton John-like glasses. On his head is a long, curly blonde wig.

SCULLY
(slowly)
Oh. My. God.

Skinner looks up from his chips and waves at them, seemingly unaware of how utterly ridiculous he looks. He is humming happily to himself.

As Skinner reaches the sidewalk, Mulder and Krycek join the group.

MULDER
(excited)
Quick, theyíre about to
open the doors.

Our friendly Super Buddies start towards the entrance to the Town Hall. Ryan Seacrest is standing on the top step facing the street. Greg the Cameraman is filming him as he speaks.

RYAN SEACREST
(to camera)
It is the chance of a lifetime.
The chance to show America what
theyíve got. Thousands of
hopefuls line the streets here
in Washington D.C..

Ryan Seacrest turns to the crowd.

RYAN SEAREST
(to crowd)
Are you ready?

CROWD
(yelling)
YES!

RYAN SEACREST
(to crowd)
Then letís open the doors.

Ryan opens the door and the line surges forwards. Marita finds herself at the very front. As she passes through she is given a sticker with the number 00001 on it. She can hear Krycekís voice somewhere behind her talking to one of the American Idol producers.

Suddenly he takes her arm and steers her towards a small room off to the side. The others follow them as does Greg the Cameraman.

KRYCEK
Iíve just had a word to the
producers about our auditions.
Theyíve agreed to let us all go
through to the judges.

MARITA
(confused)
What do you mean?

MULDER
Not everyone will get to meet
Paula, Simon and Randy.
Usually all the contestants
audition for the producers, who
then decide who will make it
to the next stage. Theyíve waived
that stage for us.

BRAD
Why would they do that?

KRYCEK
I told them weíre FBI.
Now weíre guaranteed to
get on TV!

DOGGETT
(sarcastic)
Brilliant.

No one else had a chance to comment on the fact that Krycek isnít FBI any longer because one of the producers appeared in the doorway.

PRODUCER
(businesslike)
Iím Ross. Could number
zero zero zero zero one
come with me please.

No one moves. Scully nudges Marita.

MARITA
Huh?

SCULLY
(whispering)
Itís you. (beat) Good luck.

Shakily Marita walks out of the room.

CUT TO:

INT. AUDITION ROOM

The door opens and Marita steps inside. A slight quiver of her cheek is the only sign of her nervousness. She takes a deep breath and summons all of her calm.

MARITA
(to herself)
You are Marita Covarrubias, star of
stage and screen. (beat) Here we go.

She confidently struts to the audition space in front of the judges.

Simon, Paula and Randy all smile at her. They have a copy of Maritaís application in front of them and are curious as to why a UN employee would want to audition.

SIMON
Hi Marita.

MARITA
Hi.

RANDY
So you work for the UN?
Why are you auditioning?

MARITA
My husband by the heart and
his friend organized it.

Randy and Simon look puzzled but donít get a chance to comment because Paula is staring at Marita, wondering why she looks so familiar.

PAULA
Have I met you before?
You look familiar.

MARITA
No. But I was in a movie a
few years ago. Robot 2000.

PAULA
(excited)
YES! Thatís it! Iím a huge
fan of that movie!

Sensing that theyíll all be discussing Robot 2000 very soon, Simon steps in.

SIMON
What are you going to sing for us?

MARITA
ĎBitchí by Meredith Brooks.
Before we start, I didnít choose
this. Iím being forced to sing it.

PAULA
Weíll keep that in mind.

Marita takes a couple of deep breaths.

MARITA
(singing)
I hate the world today,
You're so good to me,
I know but I can't change,
tried to tell you but you look at me,
like maybe I'm an angel underneath,
innocent and sweet.

She starts getting into it now and adds in a few twirls for good measure. She keeps going more confidently.

MARITA
(singing)
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover,
I'm a child, I'm a mother,
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint,
I do not feel ashamed,
I'm your health, I'm your dream,
I'm nothing in between,
You know you wouldn't want,
it any other way.

Simon holds up his hand, signaling her to stop.

SIMON
Youíve never sung before have you?

MARITA
No, only in the shower.

RANDY
You should stick to that.
You were terribly off-key.
No from me.

PAULA
You are gorgeous, but
I donít think you have a
good enough voice to be the
American Idol. Sorry.

MARITA
(relieved)
Oh, thatís ok. Truthfully Iím
just glad this is all over.

SIMON
Thank you for coming Marita.

MARITA
Nice meeting you.

Marita gratefully exits the room as the judges read over the application of their next contestant. Randy and Simon look extremely impressed with what they are reading.

SIMON
(excited)
This will be interesting!
Weíll get to meet her at last!

PAULA
Who?

They look up quickly as the door opens and Scully enters. Their jaws drop when they see how much she has changed since they last saw her. They werenít expecting her to be so classy.

SIMON
(surprised)
Hi Dana.

RANDY
(awed)
Dana, Iím a big fan!

SCULLY
(embarrassed)
Hi.

Paula looks from Randy to Simon to Scully.

PAULA
(confused)
Am I missing something?

RANDY
(reminiscent)
Summer of 1988. Las Vegas.
Best summer of my life. Red.

Straight away Scully begins to blush. She thought that part of her life was behind her and now here it was again, popping up when it wasnít wanted, and on national television no less. She knows she has to stop them from mentioning her former job as a stripper. Sheíd be the laughingstock of the Bureau. She only hoped they wouldnít bring up the book she wrote with Krycek. There was no way she wanted to give it any publicity.

SIMON
Co-author of ĎThe Se...í

Scully cuts him off.

SCULLY
(singing)
Jeremiah was a bullfrog,
Was a good friend of mine,
I never understood a single word he said,
But I helped him drink his wine,

She stops.

SIMON
Chorus.

With a small sigh Scully starts singing again. Anything to stop Simon and Randyís conversation from resuming.

SCULLY
(singing)
Joy to the world,
All the boys and girls,
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea,
Joy to you and me.

Scully stops again. She hopes she can get out of here without her past being mentioned again. Luckily for her the judges are back on task.

PAULA
Your voice is not bad so
much as undeveloped.

SIMON
I agree. I canít see you
as the American Idol though.

RANDY
(apologetically)
Neither can I.

SCULLY
Donít worry about it. Really.
I only auditioned because
I was forced to. I donít want
to be a singer.

PAULA
Well I donít see any reason
for you to be here. Thank you.

SCULLY
Thank you.

She leaves quickly, still feeling embarrassed that Simon and Randy almost revealed to the nation that she is a former stripper and author of a sex instruction book.

Paula, Simon and Randy settle back in their seats while they await the arrival of the next contestant.

PAULA
If this is an indication
of what todayís auditions will
be like I canít see us sending
anyone to L.A.

Randy and Simon nod in agreement.

At this moment Skinner enters the room. Holding back their laughter at his appearance, the judges welcome him to the auditions.

RANDY
(holding back laughter)
Interesting outfit.

SKINNER
Yeah. My buddy Mulder gave it
to me to wear. Heís a good guy.
He organized a group of us to audition.

SIMON
Youíre an Assistant Director at
the FBI. Do you think OPR would
appreciate you auditioning while
wearing that?

SKINNER
(happily)
Nope. The A.D. in charge of OPR
will be in here after me. (beat)
Would you like me to sing now?

SIMON
Go ahead.

Skinner turns around to face away from the judges. He prepares himself then jumps around, swinging his hips.

SKINNER
(singing)
Give me a head with hair, long beautiful hair.
Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen.
Give me down to there hair, shoulder length or longer,
Here baby, there, momma, ev'rywhere, daddy, daddy.

Paula surreptitiously covers her ears. Skinner swirls his head around, making his hair fly around him.

SKINNER
(singing)
Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Hair, hair, hair.
Flow it, show it,
long as God can grow it,
my hair.

Skinner starts to mosh, swinging his head up and down. His actions cause the wig to fly off and land on the table in front of Paula. This is just too much for Randy who starts laughing uncontrollably. Skinner doesnít stop.

SKINNER
(singing)
Let it fly in the breeze
and get caught in the trees,
give a home to the fleas in my hair.
A home for fleas, yeah,
a hive for be...

RANDY
(laughing)
Stop, stop, stop!

Skinner looks at Randy quizzically.

SKINNER
What? You donít like it?

SIMON
Walter, you have a powerful voice,
but itís not powerful in a good
way. You canít sing. Paula?

PAULA
No.

SIMON
Randy?

RANDY
Props for the outfit but no.

SIMON
Ok. Goodbye Walter.

Skinner retrieves his wig and leaves the audition room.

Randy puts his hands to his ears.

RANDY
Do you see any blood here?

Paula hits him with Bradís application form. She points to Bradís headshot.

PAULA
This one is cute.
Can I keep him?

Simon and Randy donít hear her. They are too busy gawking at Brad who had just walked in. Self-consciously Brad makes his way over to the table. He shakes hands with the judges while introducing himself. None of the judges has said anything yet. The image of him dressed in tights has yet to sink in.

BRAD
(defensively)
I didnít choose this.

PAULA
We know. Youíre friends with Mulder?

BRAD
Thatís right.

SIMON
And youíre in charge of
OPR at the FBI?

BRAD
(joking)
If it looks bad, itís bad for
the FBI. I might have to fire
myself after this.

PAULA
Well, we couldnít have that!
Why donít you sing for us.

BRAD
(under his breath)
Iíd prefer not to.

The judges look expectantly at him. Brad thinks of Mulder and how heíd be hurt if he didnít sing. If they were expecting actions they had another thing coming.

BRAD
(singing)
We're men...
we're men in tights,
We roam around the forest
looking for fights.
We're men...
we're men in tights.
We rob from the rich and
give to the poor, that's right.

Paula stares dreamily at Brad, barely hearing the woodenness in his voice.

BRAD
(singing)
We may look like sissies,
but watch what you say or
else we'll put out your lights.
We're men...
we're men in tights.
Thank you. (beat) Can I go now?

Simultaneously Simon and Randy nod.

PAULA
Brad, would you like to have
dinner with me sometime?

Brad is shocked. His idol just asked him out. For a moment he is speechless.

BRAD
Iím flattered Paula, Iíve been
a big fan for years. Iíd love to.

Paula beams at him. She writes her number on the corner of his application and tears it off.

PAULA
Call me.

BRAD
(smiling)
I will!

Without any further conversation he leaves the room. The other two judges are beginning to get annoyed that they havenít put anyone through to the next round yet. Paula couldnít care less at this point.

Doggett opens the door and comes to stand on the makeshift stage. He nervously rubs his neck.

SIMON
Hi John. It says here youíre
an FBI agent, and former Marine.
Why are you wearing a NYPD uniform?

DOGGETT
I used to be on the force.

RANDY
Let me guess, your friend Mulder
made you wear it right?

Doggett nods.

DOGGETT
I guess the others have told
you why weíre here. (beat)
Iím just going to do the chorus.
There is no way Iím doing
any more than that.

PAULA
Ok. Blow us away.

Wishing he was anywhere but there, Doggett begins to sing. Knowing that the cameras are on him he makes sure he does the actions so Mulder canít accuse him of breach of contract. Knowle is never going to let him live this down.

DOGGETT
(singing)
Itís fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
Itís fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
They have everything for young men to enjoy
You can hang out with all the boys
Itís fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.

Simon takes pity on Doggett.

SIMON
You look like youíve been
tortured enough for one day.
Go home and think of ways to
get this Mulder guy back.

DOGGETT
Appreciate it Simon.

Without a second glance he is out of there.

PAULA
Poor guy. I canít wait
to meet this Mulder though.
He must be very scary to
force them to audition.

Paula pictures a tattooed, heavily built, 6í5 biker and shivers.

Monica comes into the room.

SIMON
Hi Monica. Nice to meet you.

RANDY
Another FBI agent.
Well, former agent.

MONICA
(smiling)
Yes, I guess you could
say this is a kind of team
building experience for us.

The judges are surprised.

RANDY
You donít seem upset
about doing this.

MONICA
Itís all in good fun. Weíve
been through some tough times.
(beat) Do you want me to sing now?

SIMON
Sure Monica. Whatís your song?

MONICA
ĎWhen You Believeí by Whitney
Houston and Mariah Carey.

They sit back expecting the worst. Monicaís voice sounds out strong and sweetly throughout the room.

MONICA
(singing)
Many nights we prayed,
With no proof anyone could hear,
In our hearts a hope for a song,
We barely understood,
Now we are not afraid,
Although we know thereís much to fear,
We were moving mountains,
Long before we knew we could, whoa, yes,
There can be miracles,
When you believe,
Though hope is frail,
Itís hard to kill,
Who knows what miracles,
You can achieve,
When you believe somehow you will,
You will when you believe.

Simon and Randy look at each other. Finally, someone with a decent voice. Monica picks up on their thoughts and smiles. Obviously the others didnít make very good impressions.

SIMON
Wow. You donít know how
much we needed that. Your
friends have not been very
good Iím afraid.

PAULA
You have a very nice voice.
I think the notes in that song were
a bit much for you though.

MONICA
Thereís no need to analyze
my performance. I donít want
to be a professional singer.
I love my job at the school.
I donít want to waste any more
of your time. Iím sure Krycek will
do enough of that.

With a smile at the judges Monica exits the room.

SIMON
(about Monica)
Nice woman.

Randy is about to comment when the door flies open and in bursts Mulder grinning like an idiot. He is so excited heís practically bouncing off the walls. Enthusiastically he shakes everyoneís hands. The judges are shocked. Surely this man isnít Mulder! He isnít threatening at all.

MULDER
Hi Iím Fox Mulder.
Iím an Assistant Director
at the FBI. I enjoy yodeling,
eating pickles, and I love
Lucky Charms cereal. Letís
get started!

Without waiting for so much as a hello, Mulder bursts into song.

MULDER
(singing)
Stand up and cheer!
Stand up and cheer for Super Buddies!
For today we raise
The red and green for the world!
Yu-Rah-Rah!
Our Buddies are friendly
And we are bound to create world peace!
Weíve got the will!
Yu-Rah!
Weíve got the way!
Yu-Rah!
For this is Super Buddies winning day!

He finishes and takes a bow.

SIMON
Youíre Fox Mulder?
The Fox Mulder who threatened
his friends if they didnít audition?

MULDER
Threatened is such a strong word.
More like persuaded.

PAULA
I thought Super Buddies had disbanded?

MULDER
It has. This is a Super
Buddies Reunion Adventure.
Thatís why my friends and I
are here.

RANDY
I see. (beat)
How about you sing an
actual song for us.

MULDER
(offended)
That was a song.

RANDY
Iím not putting you
through on that.

PAULA
Randy...

MULDER
Itís OK Paula. I donít
really want to get through
anyway. Iím here for a bit
of character building.

Simon is very pissed off now.

SIMON
(annoyed)
When will we get someone who
actually cares about this
competition?!

MULDER
I think youíll find that my
buddy Krycek would love to
get through.

SIMON
Good. Well the sooner you
leave the sooner we get
to the actual singers.

Mulder isnít hurt by this. Heís watched enough American Idol to know that itís Simonís job to be a bit grumpy. Heís Mr. Grumpy Bum II. With a parting smile Mulder turns to leave.

PAULA
Wait! I think you should bring
back Super Buddies. The world
needs more peace and friendship.
The world needs more people like you!

MULDER
I promise Iíll think about it.

Mulder flounces out of the room.

RANDY
(exasperated)
Donít encourage the man.

SIMON
This next one better be good
or Iíll quit. I donít think
I can take much more of this torture.

Krycek saunters into the room as if he owns the world. He has forgotten that he has scabs all over his forehead and a bruise on his chin. The judges decide not to comment. There is something about Krycek that makes them think theyíd better not get on his bad side.

SIMON
Hi Alex. Are you the
next American Idol?

KRYCEK
(uberconfident)
I sure am! Iím great at everything.

PAULA
(to self)
Except modesty.

KRYCEK
Let me tell you a little bit
about myself. I was born in
Russia where I trained as a
figure skater. I own The Gutter
Gentlemanís Club in Las Vegas,
I used to be a Special Agent
at the FBI and co-authored
the book ĎThe Sexual Journey to
Ecstasy: 202 Inventive Positions
To Kinkier Sex.Ē Iím also the genius
behind the movie Robot 2000.

PAULA
(excited)
Oh I love that movie!

SIMON
(annoyed)
Thatís all well and good but
are you going to sing for us?

KRYCEK
I sure am! Prepare yourself
for the Krycek experience.

Randy and Simon look at each other as if to say ďis this guy for real?Ē Krycek prepares himself to give the performance of a lifetime.

KRYCEK
(proud)
This is a song I wrote myself.
Itís called ďBat Poop EyesĒ.

The judges arenít sure they want to hear a song called ďBat Poop EyesĒ.

KRYCEK
(singing)
Your eyes, so dark and sexy.
But you donít...

Simon interrupts.

SIMON
How about singing a song we all know?
It says here your audition song is
supposed to be from ďWest Side StoryĒ.

KRYCEK
Yeah, itís one I sang with
my buddy Mulder before we were
chased by killer ducks.

Krycek decides heís better sing it or Mulder would be upset. He starts swaying slowly to get his rhythm right.

KRYCEK
(singing)
There's a place for us
Somewhere a place for us
Peace and quiet and open air
Wait for us
Somewhere
There's a time for us
Some day a time for us
Time together, with time to spare
Time to look, time to care
Someday, Somewhere
We'll find a new way of living
We'll find a way of forgiving
Somewhere
There's a place for us
A time and place for us
Hold my hand
And we're halfway there
Hold my hand
And I'll take you there
Somehow, Someday, Somewhere.

The judges sit in complete silence. They are spellbound. Never before have they heard a voice as compelling as Krycekís. There is no doubt in any of their minds that he could be the next American Idol. Paula has tears in her eyes she thinks his voice is that beautiful.

PAULA
(astonished)
Wow! That was amazing Alex!
You have one of the best
voices I have ever heard.
I think you should definitely
come to L.A..

Krycek grins. Of course he should go to L.A., heís ďda manĒ!

SIMON
(amazed)
Iím stunned. That was the best
voice weíve heard this year. I agree
with Paula. You have a really big
chance of winning this competition.

If Krycek were any more pleased with himself he would start floating around the room from all the hot air filling his head.

KRYCEK
Thatís right! Iím DA MAN!
Iím the next American Idol!
Iím da best there ever was,
I own this competition!

RANDY
A big part of having a great voice
is learning to be quiet, so you
can keep your voice.

KRYCEK
But Iím da MAN!

SIMON
(warning)
Donít make us regret putting you through.

Krycek is barely listening, he is too busy making sexy faces for Paula. He leans onto the table in front of her to say something suggestive. He catches sight of the ring on his left hand and Maritaís face pops into his head.

He freezes, suddenly realizing what he is doing. One little taste of fame and it goes straight to his head. Krycek doesnít want to revert back to that person, heís made some progress in the right direction. He knows what he has to do.

KRYCEK
Iím sorry guys, I canít go to L.A.
You just saw what happened with just
the thought of fame. I canít risk losing
my Marita Lynn. I canít accept.

The judges are very surprised. Theyíve never had someone reject their offer before.

SIMON
Youíre sure? You could be a star.

KRYCEK
I donít need to be a star when
Iím with Marita. She makes my life
whole more than any singing career could.

PAULA
(hopeful)
Is there any way we can
change your mind?

Krycek doesnít hesitate to answer. He knows what he is saying is the truth.

KRYCEK
(decisive)
No.

The judges look sad. They have no doubt in their minds that Krycek would have gone the whole way. They feel it is such a shame to let a great talent like Krycekís go to waste.

Krycek thanks them for their time and leaves the room.

CUT TO:

EXT. TOWN HALL

Krycek exits the building and joins his friends. Brad and Doggett have changed out of their costumes. Monica thinks this is a shame, she thinks Bradís legs looked quite nice in his tights. Skinner apparently likes his costume so much he is going to wear it all day.

Marita sees that Krycek doesnít have one of the yellow slips that mean you move onto the next round. She kisses him on the cheek.

MARITA
(soothing)
Oh Sasha, donít worry. They
obviously donít know great talent.

Krycek accepts Maritaís comfort but says nothing of his audition.

Doggett puts his arm around Scullyís waist and pulls her close.

DOGGETT
Come on guys. Letís help Mulder
pack up and go home.

The others murmur their agreement and move off to the campsite. Monica falls behind and pulls Krycek back with her.

MONICA
(curious)
Why did you do it? Why did
you tell them you didnít want
to go through?

KRYCEK
In the one minute I was going to L.A.
I reverted back to the old Alex Krycek.
I want to be worthy of Marita.

Monica understands and nods her head.

MONICA
(impressed)
That was a very mature thing to do.

They rejoin the group at the campsite, happy with how their adventure turned out.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

INT. MULDER AND KRYCEKíS APARTMENT Ė NIGHT

SUNDAY, JANUARY 8
8:34 PM

Everyone is crammed into Mulderís living room in front of the television. All the lights are off and the room is lit by the glow from the TV. There is popcorn all over the floor and boxes of almost empty Lucky Charms on the coffee table.

BRAD
(groaning)
I still canít believe you
made us do that! Iíll be the
laughingstock of the Bureau tomorrow.

MULDER
Shhhh! Itís starting!

All sounds cease as the footage of the American Idol auditions begins.

BRAD
No, no, no, no. Mulder, I thought
we were watching ĎLadder 49í?

MULDER
We were going to. Then I found
this inside my newspaper.

The TV shows a clip of Bradís audition and he throws a cushion at the set when he sees himself dressed as Robin Hood. They then see Paula give Brad her number.

SKINNER
(cheering)
WOOOOOOO! Go Brad!

DOGGETT
(mildly upset)
Hey Brad, why didnít you tell me? (beat)
She never gave me her number!

Scully playfully hits Doggett over the head with a cushion.

SCULLY
(teasing)
What? Iím supposed to compete
With Paula Abdul now!?

Footage of Krycekís audition causes everyoneís mouths drop open and Marita to spill her soda all over the floor. She doesnít notice.

MARITA
(squealing)
Oh my gosh Alex! You
did that for me! Why didnít
you say anything?

Marita throws herself into Krycekís lap and envelops him in a huge hug.

KRYCEK
(modest)
It was no big deal.

MARITA
No big deal! Sasha, you
really are changing!

Krycek says nothing.

KNOWLE (ON TV)
Iíd now like to share with you
my favourite D.C. audition. You wonít
believe these girls. Check it out.

MULDER
Ahhh, Knowle must have been
the one to give me the tape!

Two incredibly tackily dressed women are shown onscreen. Mulder and Krycek freeze in shock. Mulderís soda is held level with his chin, forgotten.

ANGELA (on TV)
(singing)
Iím in love with a man called Fox.

FARRAH (on TV)
(singing)
Alex really rocks my socks!

On the TV Simon squirms uncomfortably in his seat.

KRYCEK
(yelling)
DIE! ARRRRRRRRR! DIE DIE!

Mulder is still frozen in shock, mid-soda.

ANGELA & FARRAH (ON TV)
(singing)
We dream of them every night,
They are our sunshine and our light,
They make us want to fly a kite.

On the TV Randy and Simon both pick up their glasses of water, covering their laughter. Paula sits there with a straight face (barely).

ANGELA (on TV)
(singing)
Foxy Loxy stole my heart.

FARRAH (on TV)
(singing)
Iíve loved Alex from the start.

Krycek is still screaming at the TV. He throws a couple of cushions at the screen and then picks up a lamp.

KRYCEK
(yelling)
DIE! IíLL KILL YOU!
LEAVE US ALONE!

MULDER
Alex. New rule! Rule number 238:
Donít throw lamps at the TV.

KRYCEK
#239: I can do what I want.

MULDER
#240: No you canít.

KRYCEK
#241: Yes I can.

MULDER
#242: No you canít.

KRYCEK
#243: Remember rule #236.

DOGGETT
(annoyed)
#244: Mulder and Krycek have to shut
up when weíre watching TV.

Sullenly Krycek shuts up.

ANGELA & FARRAH (ON TV)
(singing)
We wish theyíd take us on a date,
And take us home so we can mate,
These men truly are our fate.

FARRAH (ON TV)
(singing)
Alex thinks that heís Ďda maní.

ANGELA (ON TV)
(singing)
Foxy makes me need a fan.

ANGELA & FARRAH (ON TV)
(singing)
Weíve lived under their beds,
We love their...

Simon canít take any more of this. He holds his hands up as if in a plea for mercy.

Mulderís soda finally makes its way back down to the table.

SIMON (ON TV)
Stop. Stop! Theyíre not voices,
theyíre weapons of mass destruction!

KRYCEK
(yelling)
HA! TAKE THAT!

Paula takes in the hurt looks.

PAULA (ON TV)
I admire your passion. It would
have taken great enthusiasm to
write that song.

SIMON (ON TV)
Song? That wasnít a song! Iíll
tell you what is was, it was
utter crap. Itís a no from me.

The Magazine Girls are dangerously close to tears. They look pleadingly at Randy and Paula.

FARRAH (ON TV)
(upset/begging)
But we, like, really, like want
this! It took us, like, three
months to, like, write our song!

RANDY (ON TV)
(firmly)
You two have voices that would
grate cheese. Itís a no from me.

ANGELA (ON TV)
(sobbing)
But Fox and Alex, we like, love
them, like, so much! If
you donít send us through theyíll
never love us!

PAULA (ON TV)
Weíre sorry girls. Youíre
Not what weíre looking for.
Itís a no from me too.

Angela is sobbing uncontrollably. She throws herself at Simon over the table. Simon jumps up, knocking his glass over. The water spills onto the table and over the floor.

ANGELA (ON TV)
(desperate)
Simmy-wimmy, please!

Mulder and Krycek make gagging noises upon hearing ĎSimmy-wimmyí.

Farrah moves forward and slips in the water. Randy signals for security to stand by.

FARRAH (ON TV)
(pleading)
Randy, Paula! You like, donít
understand! Fox and Alex are,
like, our true loves!

KRYCEK
(yelling)
SHUT UP!

SIMON (ON TV)
(sternly)
If you two donít leave immediately you
will be removed from this building
by force. I suggest you leave now.

The Magazine Girls, sobbing hysterically, fly at Simon. They start swiping at him with long, hideous, painted fingernails. The nails have miniature pictures of Mulder and Krycek stuck onto them.

RANDY (on TV)
(yelling)
SECURITY!!

Two burly security guards run over and scoop the Magazine Girls up. They throw them over their shoulders and carry them out of the room. Farrah manages to clout her security guard over the head with her hot pink vinyl handbag in an attempt to get free but he doesnít let go.

In the living room everyone cheers as the security guards throw the Magazine Girls out the doors. It truly was the best Super Buddies adventure ever.

FADE OUT:

THE END.

 

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